Your partner seems tense. Your best friend seems agitated. What do you do?
Check in with “Are you okay?” Or offer some help or a kind dsd? Would you rather avoid him/her? Or maybe you freak out yourself too, or maybe feel you don’t know what to do.
What about when you’re angry, sad, frightened, anxious, or frustrated? Or even when you don’t know what’s bothering you. Or you’re just having a hard day…
Let’s really look at how we can tell—it will be useful regarding Baby in a moment!
- Do you (or can you see your friend) hold your breath?
- Feel those certain tense spots (i.e., shoulders)
- Clench your jaw or tighten your lips
- Grip objects tightly
- Throw something (or feel like it)
- “Check out”—become vague, depressed, low on energy, spaced out
- Speak to others in ways you wouldn’t otherwise
- Start rushing or feel hyper
- Become irritable
These are signs and symptoms of being stressed, not expression of the emotion itself.
Consider babies (and toddlers)
As adults, we’re able to express what we’re feeling with language. Yet even so, we still have authentic feelings behind what we say that need to come out sooner or later. What you may not have not thought about before is that babies come fully equipped with all the same emotions we have as adults–and the same need to release! They just don’t communicate what’s wrong in the same ways we’ve become accustomed to, so it’s up to us to learn how to recognize their cues.
If the word “stress” stresses you out, take a deep breath. All babies experience some sooner or later, even the healthiest ones. It does not mean you’re a bad parent.
Some people assume that babies don’t feel or remember anything (beyond basic needs). And I often hear parents wondering how much stress can a baby really accumulate?
Truth! Babies Feel. And they are thankfully still really good at expressing it—they haven’t lost touch yet with their emotions or with their beautiful healing instincts!
Do you ever experience times when Baby cries even after all her immediate needs have been met, and you don’t know the reason? Crying (with loving attention) releases stress and heals. This crying or raging is the expression of the emotion itself.
But sometimes Baby will show signs of stress, yet without crying. Some of these actions and behaviors can be misinterpreted as ‘the way babies always are,’ cute, discipline problems, manipulation, or look like tiredness or teething. Once you learn to identify these cues, you’ll know when Baby might need to have a good cry in your arms to release some of that stress.
Watch for the following stress signs:
- Grabbing or tense holding of objects
- Clingy (beyond a typical desire to be held)
- Hitting, biting, head banging
- Playing fast, busy, hyper—moving quickly from one thing to the next
- Chewing on objects nervously
- Asking for milk constantly or when not hungry
- Sleep difficulties or resistance
- Putting fist, fingers, or toy in mouth repeatedly, may (or may not) also have a vacant or worried look
Note, “mouthing” is a very healthy activity for young babies. Mouthing (hands or toys) tends to be accompanied by attentiveness, curiosity, contentment, and/or deep rest, and often whole-body digestive tube wriggling. What I mean as a stress signal is not “mouthing,” but an action that holds back emotion (“if Baby didn’t do this, he’d cry”).

Compare the expression on this baby’s face with the one above. This baby was playfully focused on ‘mouthing’ Sophie until the camera also became interesting, and he has a growing smile.

Here’s another view of ‘mouthing’–note how his whole body, as well as his attention, is involved in the activity. Stress-related sucking typically has less whole-self involvement and interest, with either blankness or concern.
- Baby seems higher-toned than usual (“high strung”)—not as peaceful even if being active
- Sucking his/her thumb

Again, “mouthing” the thumb is one way the hand develops from fist to functional fingers. But thumb sucking can also be used to stop emotion from flowing and can go on autopilot.
- Not letting go of a particular toy or blanket–sometimes called a “lovey” or “security item”
- Baby looks checked out, vacant, or disassociated
- General fussiness
- Pacifiers. Sucking (thumb or pacifier) can also indicate Baby is trying to self-adjust cranial bones, in which case some gentle Craniosacral Therapy can be very helpful. But usually there are some big feelings behind the pacifier!
Healer-Baby: what to do about that “stress”
Now, how can Baby release that tension? Crying can be a release of the above “symptoms.” Laughing, yawning, and coughing also release tensions, but I find that sometimes the fullest release comes through a good cry.
This is their wise and wonderful way of feeling better. They feel what they’re feeling, express it through crying and get it out, and then they go on with their day.
When you think Baby seems stressed, do one of those “check ins” with her that you might do with your best friend. She’ll let you know if she wants to cry. Here are some ideas:
Get down on her level or pick her up, look in her eyes, and ask “how are you, are you okay?” Pause and truly wait for her response.
- Before a nap or bed, hold her and ask, “How are you, do you need to cry? It’s okay to cry if you need to.” Pause and observe. If you and Baby aren’t used to doing this, it may take several invitations for each of you to trust the process.
- If Baby/Toddler is hitting, provide a boundary. Keep everyone safe and say, “I don’t want you to hit, but I’ll listen if you need to cry.”
- If Baby is chewing nervously, sucking on a pacifier, or hanging onto a security item, you could pick her up (without the toy/item) and tell her you see her, inviting her to cry if she needs to. She may frantically search for the pacifier or item—another common sign that Baby is feeling something that she’s not yet expressing. Try again later.
Babies don’t cry ‘for no reason,’ so you can trust that if she’s crying, she needs to. After a good cry with listening attention, which releases stress, babies will typically either sleep better or stay awake very serene and content.
Your baby is a wonderful communicator, and communication requires relationship. Growing your ability to read subtle signs can deepen your bond with Baby and build a fantastic foundation for the trust that you can share in each other throughout life.
Please see Aletha Solter’s Aware Parenting website for more information about crying in arms.
Some of these symptoms and behaviors, as well as repeated prolonged crying, can signal serious physical or emotional problems. The above is based on an assumption that Baby is healthy internally and externally.
© Eliza Parker 2014, All Rights Reserved. Much of my work comes from Infant Developmental Movement Education®, part of the Body-Mind Centering® Approach to Somatic Education, and Dr. Aletha Solter’s Aware Parenting. I am a certified Infant Developmental Movement Educator®, Aware Parenting Instructor, Body-Mind Centering® Practitioner, and trained Feldenkrais® Practitioner.
Hi Eliza!
Small question. If I realize that my baby suck his thumb, because he have stress, should I let him do it or should I take his thumb out ? I realize he do it every time that he wants to sleep, If I take it of he start to be aggressive or cry a little bid…
Hi Maria, great question. I would recommend at first verbally inviting him to cry while you’re holding him, rather than taking his thumb out. He may not take his thumb out, but it’s important for him to start building trust and understanding that you want to hear him. (You could say things like, “I see that you might need to cry, you can cry, it’s okay to cry, I’m listening, I love you”) See if he’ll take you up on the invitation on his own. If not, it’s up to you (and I’d want to talk with you more in a consultation to understand all the factors at play in order to support you best). If you do take it out, do it with awareness and communication: tell him specifically what you’re doing and that you want to hear what he has to say, and be prepared for potentially a good bit of crying. At the same time, avoid forcing him, and keep inviting him later (that is, if you take his thumb out, see if he will cry voluntarily, but please avoid forcefully holding his hand away from his mouth). And always make sure he’s in your arms when crying (or if older and mobile, he may crawl out of your arms, but stay nearby). Best to you~
I have loved these articles about crying, mouthing and ‘stress’. They apply to me as an adult too and help me in my relationship with myself and others. Thank you for sharing them.
You’re welcome; great point you make about how it applies to ourselves.
Here are the comments from my previous post (same post):
Submitted on 2014/01/21 at 10:54 pm
ELiza – so good to read this post. My now 3.25 year old who never sucked his thumb has been chewing his finger nails and putting his entire hand in his mouth. He still nurses, but minimally — when we wake in the morning for maybe 5 to 10 mins and (lately) before sleep for about 5 mins. I keep thinking he’s doing the hand thing because he might want to nurse but is holding back because his moving on (at least trying to). I’m going to try your suggestions below and grateful for any other gems you might have. Thanks again for your wonderful posts. Great to get a new one! Best, jai nee
Submitted on 2014/01/21 at 11:08 pm | In reply to Jainee McCarroll.
Jainee, I’m glad this was helpful! There may be other reasons, but definitely try those ideas and see what happens. I’ve learned many times over again to trust my instincts when I have a hunch what the signal might be related to. Perhaps ask him directly, if you haven’t already, while you’re trying those ideas. Other thoughts: is there anything new in his life; does anyone else close to you do this. Take care~
Submitted on 2014/01/22 at 5:11 pm
oh Eliza, are a delight to me. I love reading your posts. THey make me feel less alone…because I agree with everything you say!
love!
naomi sparrow
Submitted on 2014/02/02 at 6:49 am
Love this article — it makes it so clear why some babies may ‘need’ to cry in our loving arms, and why it is so important not to try to stop them, but to be fully present with them while they cry.